The bitter and the sweet

* TOTAL SAPPINESS ALERT* (Cambel's first day of Kindergarten has left me a bit emotional. Be prepared for shameless sentimentality and sappiness).


As a mom, I find I am constantly balancing the bitter and the sweet; tasting them simultaneously--sometimes more sweet than bitter, sometimes the opposite.
The euphoria of meeting my baby for the first time came with a disorienting lack of sleep. The sweetness of hearing their first words came with the increased impetus to declare their independence (read: horrible tantrums). The excitement of seeing them take their first step also meant less holding, less of a need for my help. The pride of seeing them do something new and independently comes with the realization that they won't always be little and under my care.
The bitter and the sweet.
I have found that each new step towards growth and independence, each new experience, each new milestone met, each gain for my children, comes with a small loss for me. Yes, their gains and their growth are mine too, and I have celebrated with them and for them at each milestone, so proud of who they are becoming.  I wouldn't take away their leaps towards personhood and individuality, character development and discovery for anything. Not even to hold them just a moment longer.
But I do taste the bittersweetness of it all.
So today, when Cambel woke up for his first full day of Kindergarten, the sweetness of his excitement and of all the possibility that lies ahead was palpable. We packed his lunch, he got dressed, we went over reminders about riding the bus, buying milk to drink at lunch, being yourself, and listening to your teacher. We read a scripture verse and prayed together. We took pictures and waited outside for his bus.
I felt his heart beat fast in his chest as I pulled him close and I watched with wonder and amazement as the baby we brought home with us 6 years ago got on the school bus.
It was so sweet to see this boy (who certainly has grown overnight), walk courageously and with excitement into his first day of school.

But the sweet doesn't come without the bitter. And this gain comes with a loss that all mothers must hold, tucked inside, leaking out in happy bittersweet tears of joy mixed with sadness...of precious days gone and new ones ahead, of tiny babies once held close and now stepping into their life, of small fingers once wrapped around mine and hands that now hold pencils and books, of the sweet life that grows before my eyes, of this boy--once a baby, someday a man, of life's ever-changing seasons. 

The bitter and the sweet mingle together and I taste again the beauty and fullness of  this life.