Christmas Dinner and other ill-fated ideas

When planning for Christmas this year, we seem to have overstepped the bounds of reality and entered into a world where presents are perfect, kids don't have any needs, and food cooks itself.  In response to our gross miscalculations, I have composed a list of reminders for myself for next year. Feel free to use them for yourself as well and share any others you may have (unless your Christmas was perfect--and then I would rather you not say anything).

1. Never ever order walkie-talkies on ebay from a dealer that promises free shipping. This dealer has apparently sold his soul to the Chinese toymakers and has been ordered to sell these cheap plastic failures regardless of whether or not they work (and they don't). Don't believe his promises of fun for your child, because it is no fun when you can't work the on/off switch and you can't hear ANYTHING except static. 

2. Never put your perfectly formed homemade rolls onto the bottom rack of the oven. They will burn, and will be virtually inedible. 

3. Never order a medium shirt from Old Navy just because it is on clearance, even though your husband wears a large, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe it will fit. It won't. Your husband cannot wear a medium even if it is on sale. 

4. Never try  to open Christmas presents with your whole family while you are also trying to feed two babies and make dinner for 11 people. It will not work. Trust me, it is a plan that was doomed from its inception.  

5. Never hold you head over a lit candle because the warmth feels good on your forehead. It will singe your hair and leave a strange mark where it felt warm. And this will not make you happy. (talk to my nephew Isaiah if you have any doubts about this one). 

6. Never launch sling-shot rockets in your living room, even if you do have high ceilings. They will leave a mark (check out my sister Anne's ceilings if you need further proof).

7. Never leave out any glasses filled with any liquid in any part of the house. (Do I even need to explain this one?)

8. If you value your sanity, never allow your father to purchase plastic flutes and screeching "rocket" balloons for your children. 

9. Never forget that even in the midst of singed hair, badly chosen gifts and burnt rolls, time with your family is precious and usually the things gone wrong make the funniest memories.